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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Queer Poets' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, March 17th, 2018
6:19 pm
[finneganthepoet]
"X's For Eyes"
On Me Birthday
I choose Rage/Rather than love/
On Me Birthday,
I choose Drugs/Rather than hugs!/

Cause I don't want you
to pull me down
into Pettiness with You/So I take Drugs!/

Cause I don't want your Limitations
to be mine!/

Cause I don't want to be
narrowed down into
a Disposable StereoType
by You../

So I take Drugs!/

And NO,
Everything is NOT Fine!

You See,
I don't date Ignorant White Trash!
So You can really have them ALL/You
Bitches!

And I don't Date
Selfish Bitch
ControlCunts/who Really Need
to Get A Life/Not Mine/So I can
Have a Ball/You Bitches!

The Life You Live/So Unlike You/
So far beyond the TRUTH
THAT'S TRUE/

These Things that SCREAM/are on my mind/These things that DREAM
are om my mind/These things that
Race/These things that Fly/
These Things that
Lie
are on my mind/

The Life you lived/Such
cold dead proof/The Life You Knew
was not the Truth/

These Things that SCREAM/are on my mind/These things that DREAM
are om my mind/These things that
Race/These things that Fly/
These Things that
Lie
are on my mind/

The Life You Live/So unlike you/unreal
unlike
the Life You knew/

These Things that SCREAM/are on my mind/These things that DREAM
are om my mind/These things that
Race/These things that Fly/
These Things that
Lie
are on my mind/

And If I die with a needle '
sticking out of Me arm/....
/X's For Eyes/And
a Happy Smile
on my face/....

Then So Be it!/.....

17 March, 2018
Amsterdam, Holland/

Current Mood: artistic
Tuesday, March 13th, 2018
5:13 pm
[mathiasthom]
Fighting Until The Very Last Breath
We have nothing in common
except the mechanics of breathing
we have nothing in common
but the exodus of leaving

Still I bleed red
as I suspect you do too
but here's where the similarity ends
always alone, while surrounded by fake friends

So harsh and brutal
refusing to be some hand-worn tool
not being anyone's plan b
or some left wing, liberal fool

Time is not the answer
this wheel will eventually stop turning
only to succumb to cancer
fighting until the very last breath

mathiasthom
written 3/13/18
Thursday, March 8th, 2018
2:52 am
[mathiasthom]
Never Going to Cry

There's still no word as to why
he just stopped talking
imploded inside
but never going to cry


Blocked, with a keyboard stroke
there is no hope
still no reasons why
but never going to cry


It takes effort
and effort is a two-way street
emotional outbursts Out There
for the whole entire world to see


There's no written word
or absurd black diary entries
no final thoughts or goodbyes
never ever going to cry


mathiasthom
written 3/7/18

Thursday, March 1st, 2018
2:22 am
[mathiasthom]
Wanting

Burning solitary light bulb
with a frayed pull string
that snaps and breaks effortlessly
don't be such a drama queen


Wearing a bleeding heart on some sleeve
tell tale signs of rehearsed lines
bet this wasn't what he wanted
so likewise, too unkind


Do you know what you want?
then go for it this time
don't chicken out in the eleventh hour
he might be that, "one in a million find"


Somebody that you do not want to know
because everything is superficial
just for show,
but that's the way it usually goes


Dare to be proven wrong
never singing the same song
life feels so incredibly long
just wanting to truly belong


mathiasthom
written 2/28/18

Saturday, February 24th, 2018
4:14 am
[mathiasthom]
Diary of Sorts
The only one responding
was left behind decades ago
a perfect stranger somehow relating
but that's pretty much open to debate

Fall into this diary
of petty thoughts that slap and sway
crawl into this inviting cruelty
never to see the light of day

Don't talk to me of politics
the left way is the wrong way
a murderous trail, with multiple counts
which a biased media never seems to mention

Youth may be on your side
but manipulation and secrecy is on mine
had decades simmering to perfection
while you're sadly wet behind the ears

So crawl into this diary of sorts
come on! giving your best retort
crashing through the lies we resort
sworn fealty to the hallowed sword

mathiasthom
written 2/24/18
Wednesday, February 14th, 2018
2:24 pm
[mathiasthom]
Happiness is Hormonal Insurgency
Welcome to the 51st
consecutive mockery
known as Valentines Day

Life is a race
better hurry up
and don't be late

Just stop it
step off and step away
Happiness is hormonal insurgency

What about me
arms outstretched
with alarming accuracy

What about you
too busy to rightfully notice
the missing half turned off the path

Can't help it
offering these words as proof
a life long, apathetic spoof

mathiasthom
written 2/14/18

Current Mood: apathetic
Saturday, February 10th, 2018
9:15 pm
[telefilo]
Sunday, January 28th, 2018
1:10 am
[mathiasthom]
Signs
Tried to find the signs
that point in another direction
one away from condemnation
another from paranoid speculation

Nothing is working
these signs are indecipherable
a blue sky will always be blue
bleeding unknowingly into discordant proof

Amazed at the sights beneath fluorescent lights
with strangers constantly on the move
connecting brief glances, wayward dances
incognito with nothing to prove

Maybe one day it'll all make sense
to justify the nerve to jump that fence
racing towards something so pure and free
with such blind conviction, passion, need

mathiasthom
written 1/27/18
Tuesday, January 16th, 2018
7:24 pm
[mathiasthom]
It's Only Tuesday
Snowing outside
no heat inside
just watching the ice build up
through the cracks in the door

While across the floor
promises forgotten
vacuum the rugs
head cold and leaden

Maybe a hot shower
is the first order of business
or crawl back beneath
electrified sheets

Could really sleep for weeks
but it's laundry day again
and dishes remain unattended
in the overflowing sink

No whiskey or vodka
staring naked in the mirror again
hoping for a solitary friend
to rise to the occassion

Yet without persuation
and a certain amount of frustration
it's back to the couch
buried beneath a favorite afghan

mathiasthom
written 1/16/18
Thursday, January 4th, 2018
6:41 pm
[mathiasthom]
Twirling Umbrellas in the Rain
New year, blank slate
confronting fears
unbearable state

Fingers sliding down the walls
feeling crevices, like skin
cold lips, sinking ships

Not in darkness
don't drag me back in,
renouncing everything

Living paycheck to paycheck
trying to remain positive
learning to love myself again

Maybe one day
let the sun shine brightly again,
twirling umbrellas in the rain

mathiasthom
written 1/4/18
Wednesday, November 8th, 2017
1:08 pm
[finneganthepoet]
An Immaterial Witness/for Illuminated Minds/
An Immaterial Witness/for Illuminated Minds/


A Spirit is/Not Yours
to Defy/A Spirit Is Not/yours
to Deny/A Spirit is Not yours/
to Define/You have no power
that manipulative material lines
can truly ensnare or
entwine you in/You have
no slavery
anywhere
authoring your mind/
and no material
substantial enough
to script your
imprisonment
of
Forever../the given
means are too
fragile/and too temporary
and too weak
to sustain
the Eternal Truth
of your Timelessness/
the eternal truth/is
a
holy spirit
of light within/
your whole mind/
denies
you this/a separate self/and selfish lie of life/You Need
an Immaterial Witness of
you/A Perfect Mirror of Truth/incorruptible and incapable of lying/
yet not of you/
or the mess you
have made
with all your wasted
time/bitterly pissing
your freedom away/with lies/with self denial/
with time
you wasted endlessly defining
your limitations/only replicating limitation/the time
you wasted/defining your limitations/and creating
only/the lame ridiculous rationale for your
wrongminded choices/and all for your own
miserable chains of enslavement/but the problem of your making is
the answer you're not taking
too busy
faking your reactions
to real life/--too busy faking it
to make it/you must unmake this sad delusion
of prison/and life
that you
gift with existence in your mind/you must
undo all the prisons of perception
wasting your time
endlessly in pettiness of
interpretation of creation/
in the useless excercises of suffering
and sickness/in the
Unholy Temple of Self Denial/An Immaterial Witness/you need this/bout
fitting this
fucking freedom fist
all the way
up that sweet
puckering asshole/of a brainwashed
braindead fascist fuckwit/
too willing to spell out the
crime/too petty and weak
to do the time/too split
in the fucking heart and
the fucked up mind/too indecisive
and Made Batshit crazy/....
because of the lies/.
because of the pride/..
because of the arrogance/...
and goal of domination
fueled vainly
by Hollywood Bitch Crimes/All Because of The Lies
Privilege Sold You
all the Time/All because of the Lies/Privilege Told You
all the Time/all because of the Lies/
because of the Lies/because of the lies
Prvilege always moulds you/in/ all the time/and because of the
Inequality you dream of
and desire/That teaches you
ONLY
Your Inequality/
/You don't want privilege/You don't need/You
Do Need
an Immaterial Witness/YOU WITLESS BITCH/this
is required/in your dire
fired up/Tired Nightmares/dementia
phobia and neurosis
all dressed up as
real life/just like this one/and monstrous/Material
Witnesses are all fake
flaky/freaked out
senseless
control freaks/
and sneaky
two faced
liars/Are you
a material girl
MissWorldClassBitch?/cause
your material
got sold/and old/fast!/and mouldy/
like
month old
dead kipper/you cheap
talentless
Hollywood Stripper/and Your Material
was all faked and stolen/so your material scream of agony
won't last
you SWOLLEN Bitch/You're Rolling
in stolen bullshit/and will suffer
for all your lies/and crimes/in time/
unless
you defy/their petty prisons of guilt
built so high/
built so high/
with terror and fear both
authored
in your sad little material mind./ You need
an Immaterial Witness
to strip you of
of your witless flesh and bone
nonsense/You need an Immaterial Witness
to strip you of your witless petty
bitch business/involving desire
domination, deception
and petty focus on distracting
Political Correctness/Please
BITCH/all these
sick mental twists
for nothing/only serve the hellish
evil purposes
they ostensibly champion
with the denial of honest spiritual fire./Why
do you ask Racists
Sexists and Homophobes
even if they are famous
to come sit at my Table of Love,
Mother Africa?/Just because
They're Rich?/You Stupid Black Bitch!/Why Do you
let Homophobia
tie your hands down/Pants Down/all the time,
Mother Africa?/As Racists, Sexists and Homophobes
have always done?/Just Because
They're Rich?/You STUPID BLACK Bitch/Why BITCH/Why?/Because
you are a lazy
cheap
fucking whore/spreading your legs wide
that's why/
for all that laughable
tiny white
corporate cock/thanks a lot/Sucking
on that all dusty old
white biblical dick/bitch
You could rule
the Nile/and should!!!/Instead you want to serve
the cause of complete self denial
chasing a mummified
materialistic dream/of white domination
to really surprise a material witnesses
inside
called sanity./ALL sane
substantial minds
are equal and have the Universe
to share./the Dreamers
who dare
to dream in Dreamtime
only really
dare to wake up from
the dream/not keep
dreaming/wake up from
this sick dream/and stop
dreaming it/learn
at long last/
and for all time/Dreams do not satisfy
Awakened and
Enlightened minds/Materialistic lies teach
Untruths
and Inequality/Systematically
But
Materialistic Lies of
Inequality always finds/The Inconvenient Truths of
Revolutionary Times/..

31 October 2017
Amsterdam, Holland
-_-F i n n e g a n/././
Sunday, October 29th, 2017
1:27 am
[mathiasthom]
Strangely Vulgar
Always must I take it in hand
when a cruel black and white world
will never possibly understand
as sure as where I stand

Walking along that winding road
used partings litter the ground
proof positive that anything can be found
though the reasoning isn't very sound

Sometimes I'd prefer to be alone
lost in these thoughts
in this empty home
while false rumors chill to the bone

No confidence to see
whatever will be
tossed aside, certain futility
some things can never be conceived

Like a reality check
or someone paused to reflect
on situations that never seem to occur
in this strangely vulgar, mixed-up world

mathiasthom
written 10/29/17
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017
7:59 pm
[mathiasthom]
Oh, Oscar
You'll eventually find love
but you only get one Great Love,
once in a lifetime.

Maybe he's in prison
with frighteningly blue eyes
that rip apart your very being

A spur of the moment,
spiritual awakening
eyes wide open,body shaking

Nothing was meant to last
but to just happen,
as if the world made any sense

Bittersweet memories
lost inside your head,
like some 19th century prison

Writing to the walls
and how nature calls,
while everything falls

mathiasthom
written 10/18/17
Sunday, October 8th, 2017
1:32 am
[mathiasthom]
Going Nowhere
I think she needs to stop
stop inviting me to all those places
places riddled with uncaring faces
where good ideas flail and flop

See,this is all going nowhere
nowhere where I'd rather be
be the first to rise above it all
just walk away,without a tarnished care

Everything forms into a pattern
sometimes the web leads nowhere
stop revisiting those dismal places
pocked with antagonizing fare

mathiasthom
written 10/8/17
Friday, September 29th, 2017
4:20 pm
[mathiasthom]
Mantra
The singles life
is nothing but a game
inhabited by creatures
endowed with no shame

Where one can be turned around
without a need to explain
adopting a clone look
so everyone feels the same

Not me.
I will always say no
the freedom to simply just be
is the only mantra I know

No complacent smiles
nor idle hands for show
never a need for silly trials
rejecting ideals that must go

Never to be herded like cattle
going this way or that
no cages to be rattled,
being alone to simply forget

mathiasthom
written 9/29/17
Tuesday, September 19th, 2017
2:02 am
[mathiasthom]
The Only One
I have standards
I stick to my guns
sometimes I think I'm the only one
sometimes I feel like the lonely one

Befriend me, entice me
with whatever floats your boat
insult my intelligence
common sense jumping over that fence

How do people honestly cope
eyes drawn to a cell phone screen
won't ever look into these eyes
that won't back down, or apologize

Having these standards,
sticking to my guns
sometimes I'm the only one
most days I'm the lowly one

He's watching porn
but are you gay?
disbelief over another creep
there's really nothing left to say...

mathiasthom
written 9/19/17
Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
10:49 pm
[mathiasthom]
Twist
Stay out of the fray
get out of my way
but these good intentions lot
just wish you'd stop

Belittling everything
never on the same page
always cutting people down
typical, ass clowns

I don't ever wish to be bothered
and this indifference apparently
makes everyone lather and slobber
over the cruelest words, never said or heard

Can't put me down
won't prostrate myself on the ground
go ahead, and twist these words
try as they might, nothing will ever occur

mathiasthom
written 9/13/17
Sunday, August 27th, 2017
3:21 pm
[mathiasthom]
Halt
Don't feel good
still feeling ill
and this working environment
has lost its appeal

Shameless battering
of everything held dear
nothing less flattering
than conniving so-called peers

Condescending attitudes
an endless array of platitudes
whether to be aggravated or amused
somewhat frank, or downright rude

Need to get away
somehow, someway
maybe escape to a rooftop
wishing the madness below would stop

mathiasthom
written 8/27/17
Sunday, August 13th, 2017
3:01 am
[mathiasthom]
She Will Never Be Sober
Gave you my blood
the time on my hands
and while I was away
you made some power play

Behind the scenes meanderings
for once I was the innocent one
after nine days gone
so long, you just don't belong

Yet these same people
will never honestly work
and yes, these same people
confess everyone is a jerk

Come to work fall down drunk
somehow you've gotten away with it
every day hung over
maybe try again tomorrow, sober?

mathiasthom
written 8/13/17
Sunday, August 6th, 2017
10:20 pm
[mathiasthom]
Almost Dating
Married,
yeah, not the one for me
harried,
as far as the eyes can see

But that's not me
that's not me
looking for forever
with my heart on this sleeve

Sharing pictures when you're all alone
girl friend's watching Netflix
in the other room
while you're posting a bone

Yet I am the enemy
wearing my heart on these sleeves
trying to honestly believe
in pure honesty

Forget it
bound to never happen
she'll find out
and I'll be the one left without

But that's not me
no, that's not me
there is no forever
which I'm forced to believe

mathiasthom
written 8/6/17
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