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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Queer Poets' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 11th, 2016
1:49 am
[mathiasthom]
Not Your Cover

Please don't push her in front of you,
for she has no idea of the drama
you'll willingly put her through,
Just to deflect any eventuality

Trust me, the real world trickles through
any barriers, go around, go underground
pull the wool over her eyes,
until that final day, when she will recognize

This is not the life for her
eyes finally focusing,
this state of half-life,
where all fabrication dies

All that sweet talk
leaving the taste of chalk
in her dry mouth,
like the crackle of Autumn's skin

And that knowing numbness
left out in the cold of December,
like frozen breath, a little death
some tragic end, all alone again

She's not your cover
while you stalk in the shade
with haphazard plans that you've recently made,
only the unaware are so truly brave

You coward, and cower
lost in the hurt you'll soon discover
misery seeks like minded souls,
one day you"ll be utterly forgotten and old

mathiasthom
written 8/11/16

Monday, August 8th, 2016
11:59 pm
[mathiasthom]
A Common View

Waiting for the one to call
Does he remember me at all
How I rise, to only fall
On this occasion, without elation

No, there is no relationship
no common bond
the way I follow him through the yard
to end up face down in some brackish pond

So sound the alarm
unstable enough to do me harm
On enough pills to make a doctor ill,
arms folded tightly on the window sill

How do I take this?
how do I fake this?
and you, gentle reader
seem to be a bottom feeder

No responses, up on the fence
maybe it's just indifference
there is a common view,
lost to the likes of me and you

mathiasthom
written 8/8/16

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2016
10:42 pm
[mathiasthom]
Rejection

There was mutual attraction
and a haphazard stab at affection
obligatory words were exchanged,
until he pegged me as strange

Thank you for the vote of confidence,
knowing you felt the same
the same feelings and contradictions,
longings too intense to be sane

Hey, there's a full moon tonight
and I dance alone into this night
since we tend to always hide away,
these intensified feelings in the light of day

So sip that alcohol
maybe choke on a cigarette
drink yourself into Oblivion
to a world longing with regret

mathiasthom
written 8/3/16

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2016
10:38 pm
[mathiasthom]
Infatuated with a 20 year old

The torch has been passed,
so to speak
Hunger has awakened
much to my disbelief

Now still very much a boy
trapped in the physique of a man
what is the age of consent?
and do I really give a damn?

Slipping away,
to another time and place
to a smiling face,
thought had been permanently displaced

This crush is rendered painful,
proving I'm still very much alive
taking a mere 6 long years,
how did I ever survive?

mathiasthom
written 8/2/16

Thursday, May 12th, 2016
2:13 am
[mathiasthom]
Resurrected
Though it's been awhile
really had nothing to smile about
every day is up and down
wading through self doubt

And the pity train has derailed again
the words you spew
are never about you
crazy world is fractured, then

So pause for dramatic effect
go off the deep end to honestly reflect
praying for an early death,
sometimes being alone is all that's left

This broken world will fester and reel
inhabitated by creatures who never conceal
everything left in the open to pry
for idle hands to give it a try

Though it's been awhile
have nothing to say
indifference and flat line feelings
resurrected this way

mathiasthom
written 3/21/16
2:08 am
[mathiasthom]
Siphoned
The sickness of the world
siphoned into me
and hot poisoned weakness
stress written across this brow

Now I can't pay the rent
jack the price as a penalty
somehow have to make this work
no handouts or charity

Four days in and out of bed
countless drugs
to numb the condition of my head
burning fever, hallucinations clearer

Weary of this world
with baseless rules and regulations
have to play by their rules
but don't compete at all

Strangers keep calling
sending messages
wanting 20 questions
this indecision stalling

Losing interest
please tell me your name
boasting about your successes
not sure how factual that even is.

mathiasthom
written 2/19/16
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2016
9:21 pm
[mathiasthom]
The Common Ground in You
I guess it's always the same
they act so lame
thoughts can't be contained
when one is strange

There are no restraints
only public tags of shame
where fingers gleefully point and blame,
and points of view, just another rue

Condemning me, getting through
believing the nonsense the unfortunate spew
into the melting pot to sputter and stew,
trying to find the common ground in you

Yet, am so indifferent
just had to be so
living life on demand
letting go of control

Never ever is a very long time
watching the minute hand slowly unwind
dust will settle, devils will mettle
trying to undo, the common ground in you

mathiasthom
written 2/23/16
9:13 pm
[mathiasthom]
John
I waste my time on people like you
waste my time,
like there's nothing to do

waiting for a declaration of love
I'll be waiting with bated breath
until that unseen practical death

And then it's over
no more burning sunrise
then it's over
and does this come as a surprise?

How much more obvious must I be?
your profile makes me smile
the hair on your muscular arms, charms

Every day I tell you the same story
and you deny everything
every day I put on a brave face
which you destroy with complete rejection

I waste my time on people like you
always at fault,
using religion as a shield

Waiting for a sign of recognition
you talk as if I wasn't there,
One day regret will be an act of contrition

and I won't be there...

mathiasthom
written 1/25/16
Sunday, January 24th, 2016
1:38 am
[theheartdrinker]
{So I married someone else.}
I've known you for so long.
So long I can't even remember, and yet,
You were always no one.

This nobody.
As random as suggestion, and yet,
Carefully formed and placed by fate.

Chosen.
Placed so near.
So near I could actually feel you beside me, and yet,
Just out of reach.
My arms stretched towards you, shaking and bleeding, trying to get a grasp of you.
Your skin.

I am exhausted.
My arms, older, sinewy and weak.
My eyes are closing as I travel somewhere else where there is no you.
No vagaries, no choice, no suggestion. Just birds flown backwards.
Fate chose to send you, to walk me through fire, to blind me while who knows how many happy lives have passed by.

In my far away land your absence is bittersweet.
For I don't know a world without you and the pain you bring, a world where having you isn't the ultimate goal, and yet,
I know only to refuse to explore it.

So I open my eyes and soul to the wounds of believing that if I'd stretch my fingers a little more, I could have you,
Only you.
And yet, you can tear my arm from it's place and never be mine.
Wednesday, January 6th, 2016
2:06 am
[mathiasthom]
Myopic
I think I've run out of topics
with a life course rather myopic
or maybe it's this lazy streak
that permeates each and every week

Now everybody looks the same
I refuse to turn tail
no beard for this face
not covered up in haste

Just be yourself
stand proud and alone
don't need a body ruined with ink
or dirty dishes piled in the kitchen sink

Gravity will take its toll
death will return us to soil
and whatever was once gravely important
doesn't seem like much anymore

mathiasthom
written 12/5/15
1:57 am
[mathiasthom]
Owning the Wreckage
Please don't assume anything
I might not hide behind these words
confronting a sea of faces
playing charades while out on display

Maybe it's truly about you
or bored as hell,
and needed something to do
so veg out for awhile

Don't feel the need to smile
or assimilate all those emotions
served up on a plate
fueling useless desires going nowhere

Forget about all the self abuse
whether it's inward or outward,
never going to swing on some noose
sucking down vodka, appearing so loose

But maybe I am,
and I really don't give a damn
just shedding another skin,
owning up to the wreckage

So start again,
or plainly wind down
make a statement
all over this town...

mathiasthom
written 11/2/15
1:28 am
[mathiasthom]
Social Media is Your Lifeline
Is it not enough
to work oneself to death
slaving away for necessities
desired, but not necessarily needed?

All those things you believe in,
flickering television screen
a click away on your keyboard
another needless item to hoard

E bay Queen, Amazon jungle
can I get everything
in some discounted bundle
watching humanity slip away

Need more of the same
money down the drain
buy it on credit, pathetic whore
label junkie, consumer flunkies

Social media
is your lifeline
another selfie,
do you ever leave the bathroom?

Social skills are nonexistent
vapid, vacuous, little nothing
but in that head,you're something
star of your own delusional show...

mathiasthom
written 10/26/15
1:24 am
[mathiasthom]
Letting Go
Wondering if ever
surely means 'never'
another hopeless endeavor
letting go of this past severed

To issue a declaration of love
while wearing a wedding band
is a bit hypercritical, don't you think?
your sincerity is starting to stink

Ask me, and I just might
unless I'm up again tonight
trying to find the right way
when I'm lost and so far away

Made too many promises
how many must one break
this sincerity is killing me
reputations are at stake

They stalk you in the halls
trying to make you feel small
balk at the way you talk,
but they are nothing at all

Wondering if forever
surely means 'never'
another hopeless endeavor
letting go of this past severed

mathiasthom
written 9/27/15
1:08 am
[mathiasthom]
Notice
Kill to be noticed
with no apologies,
you are a trouble maker
surrounded by incompetent adversaries

Contained within
locked behind a wall
of no particular design,
where I've fallen behind

All these written words
to no one in particular
off the top of this head
queer thoughts, never even said

So I'm alone now
watching snow plows
scraping asphalt,
within a nether cloud of sparks

Giving notice
well you asked for it
maybe it's about time
to shut that sorry mouth

mathiasthom
written 1/6/16
2:44 am
[antephialtic]
because i'm starting school tomorrow
06/06/14

The familiar pain of rejection sugarcoated by a nostalgia of some sort,
Followed by a blaring alarm by the side of your bed,
Dressing up in clothes two sizes too large and walking to the bus stop,
The same faces scorn you everyday as the rain drips down your face,
Preparing for a day of utter disappointment,
Followed by the all too familiar pain of rejection and hurt.

- Amani
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
1:15 am
[mathiasthom]
Train Wreck
Want to write about this pointless life
that's drowning with emptiness,
while others are found
filled with some sort of sweetness

Fancy that I can't ever meet you
that rightfully perfect person
that would make my heart move
repelling all the damage, that ran through

What am I supposed to do?
every potential partner
is a wrong way street
another dead-end freak

Yet feel compelled to speak
but it'll be countless weeks
before they'll feel a need so bleak
and I'm a train wreck.

This is the prime of life
somehow, I thought there would be more
maybe I'm asking for too much
maybe I'm completely out of touch

Prior transgressions, like some whore
but I'm not in that bar scene anymore
past my prime,
running out of time

Life is one big uncertainty
in some manner or another,
we all must break free
from this repetitive monotony

mathiasthom
written 9/14/15
Sunday, August 23rd, 2015
6:53 am
[mathiasthom]
Numb
Stayed up all night
surrendering to the vices
peeling wallpaper
smoke rings yellowing the ceiling

Outside the shaded window
nightlife awakening
some animal call to be free
needing to sow the seed

Of love,
and hate
a need to violate
any form or reason

This is the season
to bruise or refute
any point that is moot
that is so often the case

Hate that you would deny anyone so
berate these feelings
that have nowhere to go
so shallow and cold

How we feel so old
on a road that is sold
on a night pathetically cold,
and pleased with itself

This isn't about wealth
nor some penniless brood
scampering for change
out of sorts and strange

A scarlet tag of blame
that awakens something in you
forever guilty and shamed,
harried and aloof

Ice cubes have melted
vodka is watered down
still quite awake
over this slumbering town...

mathiasthom
written 8/23/15
6:51 am
[mathiasthom]
Smoking Gun
I let you in
you had your way
did my best
you got to play

Sent me pictures
via this cell phone
provocative statements
now you leave me alone

If only the world knew
you'd sing a different tune
and if I ratted you out
there's nowhere for you to run

But I'm not the smoking gun
it meant more to me than a little bit of fun
and now that the deed is done
why did you let a friendship become undone?

I've never once spoken
about any romantic token
or acts of affection,
nor passive aggression

No, I don't need another Life Lesson
so open up and realize
the simplest truth
from your baggage of lies

And please, just apologize
wipe the hurt from these eyes
you don't need any alibi's
there's no need to cry...

mathiasthom
written 8/22/15
Monday, August 17th, 2015
6:22 pm
[mathiasthom]
Clean
Do I clean
the mess, the dirt
the wayward sins,
the usual state I'm always in?

Do I wile away
in discomfort and dismay
exchanging heated words
from individuals so disturbed

And just because
I found your picture attractive
doesn't mean you can ruin this life
being overly distracted

You're lost in these eyes,
but mine are an unfathomable blue
as is every aspect of this sad life
I've grown accustomed to

Still I find a way
to repair this wreck
to face another day
get this train back on track

Do I clean
the stress, the hurt
the backstabbing kin,
the mess I always find myself in?

Setting sun,
or just another day
outstretched hands,making silent demands
bracing myself for another breach...

mathiasthom
written 8/17/15
12:03 am
[mathiasthom]
Eureka
Sitting pretty
bottled up head
in a pressure cooker vise

So come round
witness the experiences
way past comfort zones

And with every light
shining in beautiful eyes
another one fades out

With no connecting points
or learning curves
head on collisions explode

Shooting stars
there goes another one
eye to eye with infinity

mathiasthom
written 8/16/15
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